Sales of Fake Mustaches Rise in Anticipation of Free Slurpee Day

With 7-Eleven's Free Slurpee Day occurring on Tuesday, July 11, sales of fake mustaches have shown a sharp incline. Millions of Americans, having been eligible for only one free Slurpee in 2016, have realized that there was more out there for them when Twitter user, Lawrence Milton, tweeted a picture of himself with and without a mustache with free merchandise in his hands in both pictures. "Well, I went to the food court at the mall down the street from my house and an employee handed me a free piece of chicken on a toothpick and I immediately thought, 'How can I get more?'" Milton said. 

He continued his journey through the mall and came across a fake mustache in a costume store. "I saw the mustache and knew that it was the key. I bought it, put it on, and got another piece of chicken, which was really the highlight of my week," Milton explained. "I left the mall and decided to use my mustache magic to get other free stuff and showed off my merch on Twitter." 

Twitter users saw Milton's picture and went to costume stores in droves, buying up all the fake mustaches and leading to a countrywide faux 'stache shortage. Some have paid up to $10,000 for fake mustaches on eBay within the last several hours with the goal of getting two free Slurpees at 7-Eleven locations across the country. "I'm going to stop at the 7-Eleven at the end of my street, get a free Slurpee, put on my mustache, get another free Slurpee, get a full tank of gas, and start driving to the next 7-Eleven," said Slurpee enthusiast Terry Anderson, minutes after spending $1,400 on the last fake mustache at the Party City in Cedar Rapids, IA. 

7-Eleven has not yet commented on the fake mustache use in their stores, but analysts expect to see alarming rates of Slurpee shortages across America. Less optimistic analysts are preparing for a complete collapse of the American economy, which is, as of 1971 following the abandonment of the gold standard, completely backed by the Slurpee. Only time will tell what will come of the fake mustache usage, but we can only hope that the mustache users realize before it's too late that free Slurpees do come at a price.

Photo Source: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheeXcVBxJBOUs4MJLzwAHuNOdYAt5m9_Bti9WhKIkEBzALxZo_saTTklSw8PRk17R8NcuHsd3dT2vDOsYBxHYHaGlD7xvo4AKN4NtqEVsX07Qhhepfg3BhIvqtIYcoal0fimKW0bQnM2w/s1600/slurpee.jpg

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Five Halloween Costumes to Hate: 2016

Around this time every year, there is always arguments about whether or not Halloween costumes that are designed for women are too revealing or not. Instead of harassing the sexy cats, provocative nuns, and 30 year old school girls, let's direct our negative attentions to the imbeciles who may decide to wear one of these costumes this year. Yes, they are all real.

Either of the presidential candidates. Just let us forget that these are our two choices and enjoy Halloween.

The Dakota Access Pipeline

Sexy ISIS. We told you not to wear this in 2014, but ISIS is still a thing and so are these costumes.

Sexy Ken Bone

The Kim Kardashian Robbery

There's probably some other costumes you shouldn't wear, but we'll leave you with these five. Remember to share this post with one of the buttons on the left to let your friends and family know what costumes to avoid. Thanks and Happy Halloween!

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Aquaman Revels in Temporary Usefulness

Written by: Fiore Sarrocco

South Carolina has experienced record shattering rainfall from Hurricane Joaquin. At least ten dams have been breached causing major flooding and billions of dollars worth of damage. While South Carolinians grieve, one man is ecstatic at the opportunity to prove his worth. Adjunct Justice League member Aquaman spoke with us in Charleston. He emerged from a flooded street, holding a trident and wearing a giant grin. 

“Hey! Hey, news guys! Over here! I'm over here, saving the day!” Aquaman's cries for attention were followed by pleas for help coming from a man trapped in his car as it floated down the flooded street. 

“Shouldn't you help him?” we asked.

“Who? Him? Don't worry about him, I told some fish to take care of it. He'll be fine I'm sure. Unless you guys wanna take my picture rescuing him? That'd make a great cover story! I can see it now: "The Amazing Aquaman Saves Commuter". I bet that'd shut those jerks up at the JLA!” 

We were unable to get a picture of Aquaman saving anything, but we did get a few statements from his colleagues at The Justice League. Superman said, while fighting back a snicker “Aquaman has always been a vital part of The Justice League team.” ­“I think this is good for him. He's spent the last decade a glorified janitor, cleaning up various oil spills. It's been really getting to him lately," responded ­The Green Lantern. “What the f**k is an Aquaman?” asked ­Batman.

Photo Source: http://www.avclub.com/article/meet-zack-snyders-new-aquaman-lord-super-serious-s-215554

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"Nice Guy" Bewildered by Lack of Sexual Rewards

Written By: Fiore Sarrocco

Connor Stevens, age 19, of Akron, Ohio reports, "I just don't get it."

We met up with "nice guy" Connor inside his on-campus apartment at Ohio State University. "It's these girls today, man,” Connor lamented, without shifting his gaze away from the flashing lights of his Call of Duty game. "They're just so stuck up. Chivalry's totes dead." When asked to elaborate, Connor shouted, "F***ing noob camper f*g!" then directed his middle finger towards his television for no less than three minutes before shutting off his Xbox One. "I'm sorry, what did you ask again? Oh, yeah. See, it's like this: there's this girl in my Politics in Pop Culture class named Ashley; slamming body, face is pretty okay. Anyways, the other day I take her to go see About Time, paid for tickets, popcorn, candy, the whole nine yards. You know what happened afterwards? Nothing! Not even a handy in the theatre. What a b**ch!"

Just then, a door inside the apartment opened and the sounds of Oasis' "What's the Story" flooded into the living room; traveling first from a portable record player, passing through a plume of pot smoke, and then through the doorway where a young man, clad in a Deadmau5 t-­shirt stood. "She totally friend­zoned you, bro," the man said. He then burst into a cacophony of quotes from various Ryan Reynolds movies, before exiting the apartment wearing a look of deep self­-satisfaction. "That's Chad. Chad knows what's he's talking about, girls love Chad," Connor said, while staring out the window and humming the tune to "Wonderwall." "I gotta start being a dick to girls, they take my niceness for granted." 

Before we left, we asked Connor if he thought expecting girls to sleep with him as reward for being friendly made him a “nice guy” or a narcissist. Connor replied, "I don't know, dude. Maybe I just need an acoustic guitar."

Photo Source: http://www.thatvideogameblog.com/2013/07/11/xbox-one-petition-to-get-e3-policies-back/

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Facebook Went Down!

Nations worldwide are beginning to recover after Facebook went down for a few minutes on Thursday, September 24, 2015. "I just never thought it could happen," said Tracy Birdwell of Sacramento, CA. "Every so often you see posts from your friends about Twitter or Netflix going down, but never in my wildest dreams did I think it could happen to Facebook." Birdwell is not alone in her belief that the world's second most popular website (behind Google) was unbreakable. "I was absolutely stunned. The thought of a second without Facebook, let alone a few minutes, was completely foreign to me before today," said Roger Blackburn from his hospital bed in Waco, Texas.

People all over the world have taken to the now-restored Facebook to discuss the outage and try to decide where we should go from here. Several users have started to make plans to rebuild and remember this solemn day, while others believe we should try to erase the outage from history 1984-style in order to preserve the infallible image of Facebook. President Obama has yet to make a statement on the event, but the nation anxiously awaits any sort of leadership to help us through this difficult time.

If you enjoyed this article, please click one of the share buttons on the left side of the screen. Facebook is working again (though the tragedy is not forgotten) so don't be shy about sharing this article to Facebook. Thanks for reading!

Photo Source: http://blog.factual.com/factual-and-facebook-partner-to-improve-location-data-across-facebook

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Several Left Traumatized After "Classless" Men's Bathroom Incident

When passersby saw Jonathan Rudolph enter the men's bathroom at Madison Square Garden on Monday, they barely paid him any attention whatsoever. It was not until a stampede of teary-eyed men with their pants around their ankles waddled out of the bathroom and wept into the shoulders of their waiting significant others that they realized that something was wrong. 

"It was terrible," said Roger Young, one of the traumatized men. "This man came into the bathroom and completely ignored urinal etiquette. He stood right next to me while I was relieving myself, despite the fact that there were tons of other unoccupied urinals. He tried talking to me and when I ignored him, he began making extended eye contact with the other people in the bathroom." 

According to other victims, Rudolph strutted around the restroom, complimenting others on their urinal stance and speed at which they were able to finish. "He slapped my butt as I walked by and told me that he was amazed at how quickly I 'took care of my business.' To be honest, I didn't even get started before he made the whole restroom unbearably awkward," recalled Howard Green, a man who was hospitalized after his experience. Others described the incident as "classless" and "completely unacceptable." 

Police officers have been hired and posted in every male restroom at Madison Square Garden in an attempt to decrease the likelihood of a similar event occurring again in the future. Administrators considered hiring officers to patrol the women's bathrooms as well, but upon interviewing several women about their bathrooms fears, it was quickly determined that they were mature enough to handle awkward situations and not worry about their sexuality being questioned. 

If you liked this article, please be sure to share it so your friends can see it by using one of the share buttons on the left side of the page. Thanks for reading!

Photo Source: http://zackhample.mlblogs.com/2013/07/11/71013-at-yankee-stadium/

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Messin' With Sasquatch

Written by: Matthew Carpentieri
Photo by: Matthew Carpentieri

The three knuckleheads who have been bullying Sasquatch since they came across him a few years back may have taken it a bit too far this time.  John, James and Hank, who are featured regularly in Jack Links Beef Jerky commercials as the guys who whip Sasquatch’s rear-end with a wet towel or flash their watch reflection in his eyes, were up to no good last week.

The three gentlemen decided to go on another trip to their desolate cabin up in the Adirondacks. After three bottles of McGillicuddy’s and 30 bags of Beef Jerky, the men took their pranks to an all-time high.

"Look, should we have tranked him… probably not. Should we have tied him up and hung him upside down… perhaps no. Should we have shaved him bald and burned his hair in front of him? That one could have gone either way," John explained.

If the three lumberjacks had stopped there, they most likely would have rolled it out in another beef jerky commercial, but the traumatizing pranks continued. "Shoving the salmon up his rear-end was not one of our finer moments. And honestly, we didn't know that salmon would make such a mess of his butthole.  In our defense, we were really hammered," Hank explained.

James filmed the entire stunt, but he should have turned off the camera when the crew decided to take a bucket of their own defecation from their camp and submerge Sasquatch’s head. John told reporters, "Yeah, in retrospect, I think that one was over the top."

When the men woke in a haze the next morning, none had remembered what had occurred the previous night.  Not until a full 24 hours later did their drunken escapades come to life. "Well, John looked for the poop bucket and Hank told him to go behind the tree out back; that's when he saw Sasquatch dangling from the tree in the bucket. Oops?” James said.  To make matters worse, John, James and Hank posted the video to YouTube and tweeted the video to the Jack Links Beef Jerky handle with the tweet, “Not sure what to do here boss. #ThinkHesDead #YupHesDead #MakeJerky?”

So far Jack Links has not commented on the events that took place earlier this week, but PETA’s outrage is pressuring the company to take action.  More to come on the developing story.

If you liked this article, be sure to share it by using one of the links on the left side of the page. Thanks for reading!

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Atheist "Bummed" By Lack Of Admiration

After several weeks as an atheist, local man, Jack Harris, says he has received almost no admiration from anyone, not even strangers he corners on the subway. Harris became an atheist in order to brag about his beliefs, or lack thereof, to everyone with whom he came in contact. "I just wanted people to think I was smart for not subscribing to any organized religion," Harris says. "Instead they all just ask me things like 'Why would you not want to work towards trying to better yourself to get to a place that is unfathomably amazing?' and 'Why is rotting in the ground better than eternal happiness?' It really bums me out!" 

Harris says he has taken all the steps to fully realize his atheist potential such as talking down to religious people, destroying every holy book he could find, using crucifixes as painting easels, and spray painting almost-offensive phrases on the sides of mosques. "I just don't get it. I've tried everything! I've talked smugly with my eyes closed, scoffed at the beliefs of others, and applied science that I don't understand to everyday situations. I even got a "Physics take the wheel" bumper sticker to annoy any Carrie Underwood fans. I must not be doing something right." At press time, Harris could be seen painting the words "Atheist as frick!" on the side of a synagogue while wearing a "My god is a tree" baseball hat.

Photo Source: http://camoway.deviantart.com/art/Atheist-Wallpaper-327498359

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Polar Bear Impersonator Not Impressed By Winter Weather

As massive amounts of snow continue to fall across large portions of the United States, one overly committed zoo employee is not impressed in the slightest by the volume of snow he has witnessed over the past few months. Hired in an attempt to increase visits to the polar bear exhibit at a North Carolina zoo, Roger Mayberry lingers near the zoo entrance inside of a polar bear costume. During his employment, Mayberry's supervisors have become increasingly concerned about Roger's behavior. "He seems to think he is actually a polar bear," says James Hightower, the zoo's human resources officer. "He roars at the kids, wallows in the snow, and eats raw meat during his lunch break." An interview with Mayberry himself reinforced Hightower's concern. "This ain't nothing. Up north, we got tons more snow than this. I remember this one time, I was hunting seals and all of a sudden this huge blizzard came out of nowhere. We must've got seven feet of snow that day!" says Mayberry, in between growls and snarls. Mayberry also states that he is, "excited to work his way back north," and that he hopes to be featured in a National Geographic documentary someday. 

Photo Source: http://www.oneworldoneocean.com/pages/international_polar_bear_day_toolkit

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Five Reasons Not To Vaccinate Your Child

What good is living in America if you don't have the freedom to ruin the lives of your child and thousands of others? Causing the return of some of the world's eliminated diseases is your right as a parent and no one should be able to take that away from you. Here are five reasons to further convince you to not vaccinate your child. 

1. World Domination - Without vaccinations, your child will basically be a walking biological weapon. Any person whose parents also didn't have the common sense to vaccinate them will be forced to turn and run in the opposite direction whenever they see your kid approaching. Chase them down, child in hand, and brandish the bleeding-from-the-eyes juvenile in their face. Use this power you have over others to quickly rise to the top, assuming your child isn't killed by one of the seventeen diseases they have before you make it there.

2. Disease Collection - You could have a world record on your hands if you play your cards right. Nobody in history has ever managed to collect every deadly disease in one body, but, with an unvaccinated child, you have the perfect vessel for every one of these maladies. Sure, your kid will catch whooping cough soon enough, but you're going to want the biggest and baddest diseases for your collection. To complete your compilation of death, you'll have to embark on a trip to the furthest corners of the earth in search of the crown jewels of diseases. This mission will give you plenty of time to bond with your rapidly fading child. 

3. Nostalgia - Ah, the good ol' days. Certain death just around the corner at all times, poor hygiene, and, of course, no vaccines. By not having your child vaccinated, you can begin the outdated life of which you've always dreamed. Go out and rough it in a place where disease is rampant and the only healthcare facility for hundreds of miles is a wooden hut occupied by an elderly man grinding leaves in a bowl made from a skull. Soon you'll be living just like your ancestors as you stand idly by as your child dies of a smallpox infection. 

4. Practical Jokes - With an unvaccinated child living in your home, it is fairly likely that you will never have a houseguest again. However, if some unfortunate soul happens to show up in a hazmat suit, sit them down on the couch next to your child and offer them a beverage. When they go to drink it, after cautiously removing their face shield, have your child cough right on their cheek. As they fall to the floor screaming, you and your child can share a laugh as you think fondly of all of the good times you've had as your kid barely escaped death. 

5. Media Attention - Everyone longs for fame, so why not use your disease-ridden child to gain some media attention for yourself?  Hold a press conference where people with sense can ask you all sorts of basic questions like "What were you thinking?" and "Did you drink paint thinner as a child?" Between questions, glance over fondly at your child as they sit quietly, the world's deadliest viruses and bacteria coursing through their veins. Silently thank them for allowing you to live your dream of being famous for being the world's worst parent. 

Seriously, vaccinate your kids, you morons.

If you thought this list was funny, please be sure to share it with one of the buttons on the left of the screen. Thanks for reading!

Photo Source: http://mashable.com/2012/06/08/social-media-disease-tracking/

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